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Everything Sucks

so let things suck

Today I can feel myself crack-crack-cracking beneath the weight of the Ford/Kavanaugh hearing, workplace trauma that re-surfaced to bite me in the ass, many sleepless nights, and medical unknowns.

Then my therapist had the audacity to lose a loved one (PEOPLE: WE NEED TO TAKE TURNS WITH OUR CRISES), and cancelled on me tomorrow.

Then my mom wanted to talk with me — which made me discover that even the word talk is triggering me right now. That is how CRACKED I am.

So instead of talking, I texted her that I needed to let everything suck.

Then, my mother did the most gracious thing: she let me list sucky thing, after sucky thing, after unequivocally no-silver-lining-possible sucky thing.

Until she finally wrote back:

“Wow, you’re really good at letting things suck.”

Which made me wonder: perhaps you also need to practice letting everything suck? So you don’t have to hold onto it all and pretend everything is okay?

Nothing feels okay right now.

We’re quaking.

And prickly.

And gutted.

So, I wrote this list of everything that sucks for me, so that you will feel liberated to join me in our everything-sucks party, to which you may add your own grievances in the comments below.

Note: This is not complaining.

It is truly a mindfulness practice to take an honest look at your own pain —

to express compassion for your own pain —

so we don’t all burn down the city with our unadulterated fury.

It sucks that trauma is arising in my body.

It sucks that women are crying everywhere because their trauma is coming up, too.

It sucks that all my friends are traumatized, anxious and depressed.

It sucks that our pain has been invisible for so long.

It sucks that living means being inextricably tied to difficult people, forever.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

It sucks that there has never been a truly safe place, ever.

It sucks that everybody is in pain, so I want to be so kind—

making it suck even more that I’ve been confrontational with my friends —

when I truly wish I had just shut up, and let us all be in our own pain.

It sucks that my muscles burn and my joints hurt,

and I don’t know how to fix it.

It sucks that I’m in a flat out rage/fear cycle right now —

and I dont like how that feels in my body.

It sucks that everything takes effort all of the time- even and especially when you feel terrible. (Does this really “build character,” or is that a myth?)

It sucks that I have so many inconvenient truths to say all the time, and it makes me feel ashamed.

And shame sucks!

It sucks that shame is such a big part of my life.

And it sucks that we’re supposed to have positive attitudes to appear socially acceptable — and that. is. why. relationships suck!

It sucks that at the end of the day, I’m alone. Like — endless hours ALONE.

It sucks that even though I hate being alone, I also hate being around people.

So, everything sucks.

It sucks, it sucks, it sucks.

I just need to let everything suck.

through my window, I hear a woman sing R&B softly to her self, and it. is. magic. Her voice wafts in like wind and goddess and everything gorgeous — and something in me melts. So, this is what we must know:

Please kindly name your own suck-iness below in a truly kind way-

please do not name names, and please do not cause harm.

Let’s love and compassion each other through our suck-iness.

melanie zoey

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