The Oedipus Ancestry Test Will Help You Avoid Sleeping With Your Mother

SATIRE

You simply cannot have contact with your mother again if you want to avoid the prophecy

Do you ever think you’re adopted? Have you wondered why you look so different from your parents? Has a clothed, blind teenage girl told you you’re destined to marry your mother and kill your father? Do you want to avoid your prophecy and not marry your mother and kill your father?

Then don’t follow the example of Oedipus Rex, who made the fatal mistake of just assuming the people who raised him were his biological parents. Of course, English teachers say there was nothing Oedipus could have done to escape his fate. They’re right. But if Oedipus had modern-day technology and completed a DNA test, he could have avoided incest and patricide.

Well, look no further than our highly effective Oedipus Ancestry Test! Our test will help you determine whether your “mother” is your biological mother. Through a short pinprick of your blood, the Oedipus Ancestry Test will give a result. After your blood sample is in the device, shake our ball-sized machine for a “yes” or “no.”

As for the other part of the Oedipus prophecy, our technology is still being upgraded to determine if your father is your real father. Our ground-breaking biotechnology is not as advanced yet, but here’s what you need to do if the Oedipus Ancestry Test answers “yes”:

Leave your house. Now. Get as far away from your mother as possible. Don’t answer her calls, don’t communicate with her anymore. If you do leave a communication, tell her you want to avoid the prophecy of marrying her and that the sexual tension you’ve felt since birth was just too much to handle now. It’s for everyone’s own good. If you live in New York, go to California. If you live in California, go to New York. If you…

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