Surreality

Life In The Here And Now

Are you feeling it too?

For several days now, I’ve been feeling like I’m not here. That I’ve morphed into a shrieking wraith or poltergeist with one aim: To haunt me, and me alone. What a weird sensation. Not particularly frightening but eerie to the extreme. I can’t pinpoint exactly when I started to “disappear,” as it’s been a slow progression.

No, I’m not “on anything,” nor am I experiencing what is known as a “fugue state.” I’m just struggling like everyone else to keep putting one foot in front of the other as we head down an increasingly uncertain path.

When I say, “not here,” I mean my life no longer feels real to me. Going through the motions has turned me into an automaton without any sense of who I am or where I want to go, especially with my writing, or what I should be doing to strengthen my tenuous hold on reality.

Do you know what I’m talking about? Like you’re on the outside looking in? Watching yourself work (if you have a job), tend to your home and family, juggle finances, and all the tasks we assumed prior to the pandemic…these all feel rather meaningless. A “what the hell is the point?” tinge. Yet we do them because we must.

The monotony, soul-crushing boredom, and fear of the future that defines life as we know it right now, and that has defined it for months previous feels as if someone or something has dropped an enormous boulder on my chest, making it hard for me to breathe at times.

I watch, on the other side of my life as I try to catch my breath and lighten the pressure that threatens to collapse my chest while my heart races, like a stopwatch gone awry, ticking away what’s left of my time.

I am clean out of “joy.” And I know I’m not alone.

There are days when I feel if it wasn’t for our cats, I’d take a walk on down the road and that would be that.

My relationship is being sorely tested, as well. My husband and I get on each other’s nerves. There are frequent verbal “tussles” that leave us both drained and regretful. I, especially, am quick to erupt, although I have tempered myself over the last couple of months.

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