trying

most of the times, I mask my own feelings of shittiness.

I watched Dodie’s video about trying to change her life in 365 days. She calls this process trying.

I know I can produce, achieve, accomplish if I tried. but why am I not trying?

I know what it means to work hard because I’ve done it in the past.

I think the hardest I’ve ever worked in my entire life was nine years ago, when I started studying in China. I was so lost, so confused, nothing made sense. But I was determined to catch up with everyone and not get preferential treatment (my teacher said I could have written my assignments in English). So I focused on all of my assignments, used the dictionary (a book — haha) painstakingly to search out every character, and then used it again to figure out the characters in the explanation for the previous character.

I remember working till midnight every day and waking up at 6:30am to go to school. There was this fire in me. So focused, so productive, so rapid fire.

There’s a lot of turmoil in me because one part of me would like to acknowledge that I do care and I do want better and I do want to live a meaningful hardworking life but… the other part of me is asking — so why are you consistently making bad decisions and living a mindless life.

I don’t think I’ve tried at all this year. In fact, the previous three years. The last year I really tried hard at living, at being a human being was my sophomore year. I ran a marathon, I ate well, I worked hard, and I was happy. And then I got trapped in school work, in feeling in adept, in making excuses for exercise.

People who practiced noticing how they felt while smoking had a higher quit rate. I’m going to practice noticing.

Unmask my own feelings of shittiness and notice that living mindlessly feels really shitty.

Then make a change.

I’m going to delete my instagram that I am so addicted to. All of my influencers can come again at a time where I feel mature enough to take on it. I’m going to completely dismantle my snapchat.

Bad Habits acquired this year, some are certainly subjective.

I need to publish everyday about my day and keep myself accountable. I don’t want to show the world a day where I did nothing but watch Youtube. And even if that’s what I did, I should try to distill some learnings from there.

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